sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Four minutes until I can fart!
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just gargled with NyQuil
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
