when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
