I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
