Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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