Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize