Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
