do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Randomize
