She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
