you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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