When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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