Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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