I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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