My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
