My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
