god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
