I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
