I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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