but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
