Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
