dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
