Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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