Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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