It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Randomize
