So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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