if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
