Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
