Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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