Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
