Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
