I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
