she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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