Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
