No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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