Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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