i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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