saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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