he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
