Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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