I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
