she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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