just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
