babies were throwing up all over the place
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
