There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
