Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
