You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
