All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
