note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
