Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
