his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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