We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
