whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
