this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
