Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
