how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
