Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
