there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
