I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
