My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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