I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
