You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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